Pain is both pleasure and temptation.

You have stood at my side and looked into the abyss and found both charm, attraction, and love, for we are not made up only of our light and happiness but also of darkness and sorrow. To deny the darkness of yourself is to deny half of who you really are, and when you love, truly love, you need to love the whole person not just the part that smiles and waves, but the part that thinks murderous thoughts and knows that pain is both pleasure and temptation.

Wow, it's been 2 years since I've posted anything. A lot has happened. Right now though, I just need somewhere to vent because my life in crumbling. I was in a relationship for almost a year. We broke up tonight because we really do have "irreconcilable differences" - as lame as that sounds it is the only way I can truely describe why we can no longer continue our relationship. Truth be told we've been breaking up for months and tonight everything just kind of came to a head. I really thought that this time it was different...that I had found the person I am supposed to be with however, I now realize that I was just following the same pattern I have since I was a child. I want to save every broken person I meet at the expense of my own well being and happiness and I guess you wouldn't really know that unless you knew me well and I can't say that many people, even those who think they are close to me, do. I have always put up walls to hide who I really am because of my own insecurities. Apparently he noticed because after a year of being with me he feels, unwanted, unloved and unappreciated. I do love him though...I have made huge strides and break throughs with him and I have tried with everything in me to let him see who I really am but rome wasn't built in a day and a year really is a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things. I want to hurt him so bad right now and at the same time I know that this is the right thing for both of us. He brought up the conversation but it was mutually agreed that this realationship has been on a downward spiral for a few months and neither of us wanted to admit it because well, we would rather be miserable and together then to have to go through a break-up. I didn't really know what to say...like I usually don't when I am put on the spot emotionally. I can't think when I'm flooded with feelings like that. First I let him speak...then I couldn't speak at all...after that came the blame game "Well you did this 6 months ago and that's why...", then I cried a little bit. Locked myself in the guest bedroom and cried some more after which I got extremely angry. He left because I wouldn't talk to him and that's when I texted him I don't want to talk to him ever again and that I hate him for putting me through this. The truth is though, I don't hate him at all. I don't think he's a bad person and I don't wish him bad. I just...I just don't know how to deal with a break-up in a healthy manner. I have extreme seperation anxiety and fear of rejection. I feel so fragile which is totally opposite of how I portray myself to the outside world. I feel like if I don't have him...all I have is me and what am I???? Who am I???? What do I want out of life???? I am terrified that now all I have to focus on is myself. How will I cope with him not being here? How will I pay the bills? How will I sleep alone?

I know that I am not going to commit myself to any person for a LONG time after this because truely I have so much to work through. I don't think at this point I really know how to love another person, passionately. I don't know how to open myself up to someone or really look at the world through another person's eyes. I have never not been involved with someone for more than a month or two at a time and I think right now I just need to focus on who I am, what I want, how I feel and not worry about other people. I think every person should really understand themselves before involving someone else in there life because if you don't it will only end in heartache and self loathing.

I refuse to be depressed about this situation. I refuse to stress out and obsess about what he's going to be doing from now on. I refuse to put myself in that situation again. I need to accept our relationship for what it was and move forward with my life. Leave the past in the past and learn & grow from our time together.

Anyway it's 3 in the morning and I should try and sleep. For now...goodnight.

Like I always say it's been a while since I've posted and it will probably be a long while until you see a new entry because I really have to be in the mood to write in here. This might be a long one.

I moved in with my sister in March and I got a job as a waitress at a diner called Pit Stop in Boulder City. I like it, I make good money and I like the people I work with for the most part. I just feel blank like everyday I'm just going through the motions. Wake up get dressed go to work. On my days off I just lay around the house. My room and bathroom are a mess because I can't find the energy when I'm home to clean. I have bills up the wazoo but I'm okay with that. I like working it takes my mind off the fact that I don't have a life anymore. Yea all my friends scattered as soon as I became a responsible adult with more to worry about then what I'm gonna wear when we go party tonight. I realized today that I have broken a lot of peoples hearts with my careless attitude. It's because I'm scared to love people so when I feel anything I push them away. I have been hurt before, not many times but I can't let it go. I like to hold onto all my anger. I'm angsty. I'm tired of people thinking I'm heartless and cold. I'm not it's just because I don't let them get to know me. I mean the real me. I am kind of like standing in the middle of a maze and unless I really love you you're not getting in. I don't love many people. Though there are many people who I know love who they want me to be. Fuck that. Everyone wants me to be who they want me to be and refuse to see me for what I am. Fuck the world and really fuck those people who get everything in life for free cause I'm over all those sponges feeding off me. I am not your mother I will not buy you shit. If I have feelings for you don't take advantage of it. Wow, A.D.D. much?

Have you ever met a person that seriously just lives to infect your life with negativity? My aunt is one of these people. She feeds off drama and then she turns around and completely contradicts everything she says about herself. She has to always be right about everything and make everyone feel like a complete piece of shit or she won't be satisfied and she won't just stop there she has to attempt to make you feel stupid and it's not just when you're alone with her she loves doing it in front of other people. I'm so fed up with her stupid drama bullshit I just imagine myself punching her in the face over and over until she's unconcious. She angers me so much. For being a mooch, terrible parent piece of shit user she sure is on her high horse. I can't stand her anymore end of story and I needed to vent.

P.S. You didn't spend 20,000 dollars taking care of my mom and don't forget about when you lived in my moms guest house for 4 months rent free oh and when my mom owned her own business and helped you pay your bills because you spent all your money on clothes and pointless shit when your kids were hungry. You are such a fucking back stabbing liar and I hope that you get what's coming to you you fork toungued cunt!

I got my first tattoo today but I can't take a picture because my digital camera batteries are dead and Jordynn gave me a sidekick 3 but the fuckin thing won't send a picture to my email mothhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhher fucker. Anyway it's a rose on my hip I'm getting the other side done in 2 weeks...why? Because I couldn't afford to get it done tonight anyway I'm in love with my tattoo artist. No, seriously, I am. *swoons*..........

Some of you know, I have a blankey. I think it's bullshit that people are trying to ween there kids off of there blankeys because "You can't walk around as an adult with a blankey it's just not normal.". WHO THE FUCK SAYS I CAN BITCH? A lot of people also say that's is a defense mechanism to deal with life and my response to these allegations is: Yes, it is a security blankey but can you tell me one logical reason why it's not healthy? I'm sorry but living in this world is not easy and my blankey is something that makes my life more comfortable so why not promote blankies? I think that it has helped me deal with a lot of things in my life like: illness, seperation, anxiety, depression. So fuck you all who are trying to take joy out of your kids' lives because MY BLANKEY IS A GOD SEND!!!

I'm so depressed. Hi, it's my birthday. It sucks. I'm 18. I'm not happy. I'm lonely. I whine too much. I'm ugly. I hate my feet and my face. I'm stupid. I am selfsih. I break too many hearts. I don't let people get close to me. I don't get close to people. I don't love anyone. I'm scared. I'm angry. I am doubtful. I don't trust anyone. I'm afraid I'll never learn how to love anyone. I'm confused about my sexuality. I'm confused about my life. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know what I'm doing. I've hurt so many people. Happy birthday makes me so sad.

I love you.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.